The Birds and the Bees
by ChasingDreamsLikeAnIdiot
Summary: Sasori and Kakuzu are issued the most traumatic and intense mission of their lives...giving the youngest trio of Akatsuki members the dreaded 'Talk'. And they take their mission details very seriously. (Rated T for swearing, but there is nothing dirty in here, I avoided all that stuff.)


_**Hello there. This was a one shot request (that I sincerely hope that I've fulfilled correctly) So I hope you enjoy it, although I'm aware that it's a bit crappy as I churned it out today while I was bored. I also made a terrible mistake not even ten minutes ago. If you're aware of the game Outlast, then you'll know that it's messed up as all hell. Well I decided it would be a great idea to look up where the writers and artists etc. got their inspiration from...up popped a music video called 'Rubber Johnny'... for the love of whatever god you pray to and for the sake of your sanity don't watch it...I'm scarred mentally...I hated it...which is wierd cause I loved Outlast...**_

_**Anyway, enough of my terrible mistakes in life.**_

_**Enjoy.**_

* * *

If Sasori hadn't been a puppet, he was pretty damn sure his perfect, red left eyebrow would be twitching as he glared down at the short straw in his hand. A quiet curse from Kakuzu indicated that he was in the same position as well.

"I think you two would be the best choice anyway!" Konan said brightly, to which Kisame and Pein nodded quickly in agreement, "After all, Sasori you have an extensive knowledge of human anatomy and Kakuzu you're mature enough to handle such a delicate and important situation."

"Shut. Up." The miser and puppeteer hissed together, before Kakuzu continued, "And why the hell isn't Kisame involved? Itachi needs to learn this as well!"

"Because, we all decided that only two people need to do this!" Kisame exclaimed, "Too many chefs spoil the soup after all! It's better with fewer people to distract from the lesson!"

With long suffering sighs and promises of painful deaths, Sasori and Kakuzu went about preparing for possibly the most traumatic mission of their lives.

* * *

"You're telling us _what_ un?" Deidara queried to the older pair, his visible blue eye wide and inquisitive.

Both he, Hidan and Itachi were seated at the kitchen table, opposite their two elder Akatsuki members and a certain shark, who was tied to his chair, a suspicious looking bump on his head. Sasori leaned forward, his look positively venomous as he rested his chin in his hand.

"We've been ordered to give you three the talk," he snapped, thoroughly annoyed that he was to repeat himself, "Kakuzu and I will be conducting this lesson."

"Then why is my partner tied up and gagged in that chair?" Itachi queried, raising an eyebrow at the shark that was sulking and unable to speak. Sasori smirked at him.

"Because I say so," he retorted, "Now then, what do any of you actually know about this subject?"

"What fucking subject?" Hidan demanded, "And make it snappy puppet bastard, I have shit to do!"

Kakuzu aimed a punch at him, only succeeding in gaining more curses. Sasori pinched the bridge of his nose, like a long suffering parent with extremely dim children…

"You know the _talk? _The birds and the bees," he elaborated, only to be met with blank stares and a suspicious one from Deidara who was wondering if the older ninja had finally lost all of his marbles.

"Are you telling me none of your parents bothered to give you the talk?" Kakuzu snarled at the three younger members, to which Deidara, Hidan and Sasori winced. Itachi merely stared up at the miser with his bored onyx eyes.

"Well since I killed mine, no," he said coolly, "And since I know nothing of what you're referring to, I doubt that these two will either."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean you pompous Uchiha bastard un?!" Deidara snarled, his hand mouths snapping as he edged them closer to his utility belt. Sasori caught the yellow haired teen with his chakra strings.

"Don't even think about it brat," he ordered coldly, "Alright. It seems we have to start at the beginning then. Kakuzu, get the flip charts."

* * *

After a few of the most torturous hours in his short existence, Itachi was seriously under the impression that this was an elaborate plot devised by Pein to measure how much psychological torture that the three youngest members could endure…

And they weren't doing very well at all.

Deidara was an unhealthy shade of green, Hidan looked ready to throw up and Itachi was considering using Tsukuyomi on himself just to escape this hell.

"And after nine months the baby is born," Sasori concluded, flipping to the final page of the chart where a baby covered in blood and fluid was drawn with painfully intricate detail. If nothing else, Itachi could at least appreciate the artistry. Hidan became slightly interested due to the gore but Deidara turned white as a sheet.

"And that's where babies come from," Sasori concluded, before standing up and leaving the room, followed swiftly by Kakuzu; neither of them would look their partners in the eye as they breezed away.

There was a heavy pause while the room's occupants attempted to gather whatever of their sanity remained. The first to get up and leave was Hidan, after concluding that if people were supposed to die, screaming and covered in blood, then there was absolutely nothing wrong with people entering the world in the same way.

The second was Deidara, who rather shakily stood from the table and left, muttering about cleansing his mind with explosions; Itachi preferred not to dwell on whatever went through that mentally unstable boy's head anyway.

Finally, after several quiet minutes to contemplate the training exercise he had just went to, the young Uchiha walked quietly over to his partner and cut the ropes tying him to the chair. He had remained extremely silent during the whole affair and now, all he wanted to do was go and shave some people to pieces with Samehada.

"Thanks kid," he grunted, hurrying briskly from the room. Itachi blinked as he left but shrugged all the same and turned to leave his own way. A thought struck him as he turned his head to glance over her shoulder at the deceptively innocent flipchart in the centre of the room. His eyes flashed red.

"Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!"

With a satisfied smirk, Itachi turned on his heel and walked out of the room. The smouldering interior of the room would be all of their revenge on Pein for suggesting such a terrible idea.

* * *

**_I tried...humour isn't my strong point...and I decided to focus more on Itachi cause I don't pay him much attention...he's not a bad spud...I just don't really like potatoes :)_**

**_R&R guys, I love it when you do!_**


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